Wednesday, February 9, 2011

trying to learn and trying to let go

well yup it's another blog post and yup it's been a long time between posts.

had a very messed up period of life over last 3 years and not looking for sympathy but it flat out sucked no questions asked...i still hold alot of guilt/remorse/tension and have also developed acute anxiety, mild depression and learning to cope with it mostly on my own with a few things getting help from close friends

my biggest revolution i have been helped to discover is the one that people have come up to me and have said that i'm not the same person i was before.  well guess what....No i'm not...so much has changed in me in the last 5 years let alone 3 years that yes i have changed who i am...and those changes, well if u find them to be a bad thing then you were probably one of those people who put me in the box u wanted me to be in...the box of this is how i want nikki to be and if she doesn't conform to the nikki i want to be friends with then i'm going to put her in her place and pop her back in the box she lives in...

well guess what. no more boxes for me.  u think i'm being direct, blunt and not taking shit well guess what...ur right...i'm sick of being told that i have to do things that just because u want me to or cause they have been done in the past that way...i might not have been brave enough to stand my ground then but i'm fucking going to do it now...
even with family or close friends, if you got used to being able to 'take advantage' of certain things simply cause it's family or aw ur my mate, then u know what i'm still a person, and i still have boundaries.  and at the end of the day its the behaviour of those who treated me like that, which has moved me to act like this...just cause ur family doesn't mean u can manipulate or guilt trip into asking, telling, borrowing, or stealing (taking without permission) things and do so with no other alternatives for if i say no..cause u know what...if i'm busy or can't change my plans, then i'm going to say no.  and if you try to guilt trip me then i will say no even louder!  don't just expect that because i'm family or a mate that i will do things just cause...

sure in an aspect that yes i will be more than happy to help out as i love my family and close friends with all my heart! but like with anything the more you use something the more worn out it becomes and i'm worn to the bone!  

but u know what!  txt me before an unannounced visit to the house. as i might be busy or even just woken up and in my shirt and knickers or something and having someone just turned up and waltz on up the driveway is nice once in a while but when it's always happening it gets annoying!  

or if you borrow something without asking, return it when u have finished using it...even if it means starting drinking later so u are sober to return it!  or better yet!! DONT FUCKING TAKE STUFF THAT ISN'T YOURS WITHOUT ASKING!  if we arn't available then stick around to ask, or come back later, or call both numbers or even just a txt!  we would be more than happy to help you out but a simple asking first is better and more appropriate than just assuming that we will just do it!  cause often we will do it anyways but a heads up is appreciated!

well thus ending my rand and vent for the day! but guess what! keep pushing my buttons then it will get louder and louder untill u either push me to boiling point or u loose the friendship...and at the end of the day loosing the friendship really won't matter to me by then due to the fact that u push me that far then u obviously don't value the friendship on your part so no tears lost by me from it...sorry but it's just the truth!

till later!


Monday, October 25, 2010

Ouch...papercuts hurt!

hey guys, i'm back...won't b a very insightfull post today because my brain just isn't working BUT i'm here either way...

as most of you know by now, i'm in a competition to win tickets to the linkin park concert in my capital city and not only that but those tickets also involve meeting the band members...

i can easily say that since febuary 2001 i hav loved linkin park.
their cd's are perminantly in my car and i have all bar one of their albums on my ipod...Chester Bennington (the lead singer) is one of my celebrity crushes and with nearly all their songs i can place as a background music in my head or just a time specific song to my life, my own personal soundtrack if you will...

sure i realise they arn't everyones cup of tea but if you actually read the lyrics behind the songs u can see a deeper side of me i supose,...a side that alot of people don't have the opportunity or privilage (depending on the circumstances) to see...

take the song 'papercut' for example...it's the first song from their first album...released on 24th october 2000  which i didn't end up getting till a boy with a crush on me at school gave me for my 19th birthday...
the lyrics are as follows...:

Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here's not right today
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia's all I got left
I don't know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed
But I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head

It's like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
{And watches everything}
So I know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is here in me, right underneath my skin

It's like I'm paranoid looking over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

I know I've got a face in me
Points out all my mistakes to me
You've got a face on the inside too
Your paranoia's probably worse
I don't know what set me off first but I know what I can't stand
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is
I can't add up to what you can

But everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when they close my eyes
A face watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
(And watches everything)
So you know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too right inside your skin

It's like I'm paranoid looking over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath the skin

It's like I'm paranoid looking over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

The face inside is right beneath your skin
The face inside is right beneath your skin
The face inside is right beneath your skin

The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me
The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me

(the sun) It's like I'm paranoid looking over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
(I feel the light betray me) It's like the face inside is right beneath the skin

(the sun)It's like I'm paranoid looking over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
(I feel the light betray me)It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
(the sun)It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin 
ok now whatever you may be thinking...i'm sure some of this generation that are teenagers now or even those ppl who don't know me might say it's somewhat of an 'emo' or 'alternative' kind of song...but guess what. i still stand by the fact that the term 'emo' is a misconception...
to me this song 'papercut' is pretty much saying well i make mistakes and i'm aware of whats going on but guess what too...so do u...
what ppl need to realise is that i have always had so much going on in this head of mine that yeah i speak without thinking or say completely random things...BUT GUESS WHAT .... THATS JUST WHO I FUCKING AM!!! 
i am different, i am weird, yeah my haircuts do tend   to be weird or boyish, my clothes arn't all designer     label, i may act wacky and random...but i know i can  fall back on like maybe 5 people at most who simply   'get me'  if your not one of those people, it doesn't mean you can't be...it just means that these people didn't judge me to be anyone apart from who i am... so get over it already...
i know i have an addictive personality, i tend to get      over excited over things or really passionate over      things, but if u can't handle the heat, get the hell out of the freaking fire already...
well i've had my say for today...laundry hanging out is now calling me before i go watch tv or read before     work... well good bye ... hope to blog again soon as i've been pretty lazy with letting u into me wonderfull         world of me!  

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Staying true to me, and putting a stop to old behaviours

ok...well what can i say...all the pre 12wbt hype i was stoked...finally going to gain control of bad habits, force myself to workout even with my shift work etc, eat right, keep the end in mind, yadda yadda yadda...............

now i wouldn't say i've 'slacked off' but yes i will take ownership that my part of things have been not up too par...due to headaches or gastro brought on by detoxing, or my emotional eating trying to rear it's ugly head...feeling the exhaustion but great high from workouts, or the 2.5 of them that i've managed to do...2 of which i literally dragged myself away from the comfort of just staying in or going to bed...

i now need to 'just fucking do it' as michelle bridges quotes, and go well...you know that the first two weeks, i still had losses in the weigh-in factor...minimal but losses either way...but each day is a new day...and it's a new week, monday is a fresh start, well each day is a fresh start, so i'm going to do my best on a dailly basis to make the choices that will set up my day in a good way...i can't control other people and their decisions that may or may not make an impact on my daily plan, however this will grow to test my adjusting capabilities.
eg. longer than usual to do weekly stock count last night, so i didn't for-go sleep to work out, i slept properly, and had a healthy lunch...now yes i'm typing this, but afterwards, i'm off to plan my tomorrow's menu and workout is already planned.  then off to put through any laundry then clean kitchen and shower,  in otherwords, do what needs to be done around the house before i have to shower and dress for a work meeting, upon returning home from the meeting, i plan to be getting my gear that i pre-set for workout...and with or without my husband i will be going for my strand walk...going to attempt to beat the time and calories burn set by last fridays effort!

i'm aware very much of people already setting their mini and major milestones for 12wbt and they are along the lines of massive bike rides, major running, marathons, etc....

however as much as i push myself i'm aware that i have not long ago quit smoking...-10 months since quitting on 5th of oct.- and that those things that other people have set for themselves i will achive oneday...however knowing my body, my goals may be petty or nothing at all for someone else to accomplish, but to me will mark a major achievement even with the mini goals...for example...

i learnt on friday last week that doing the 2.5km one way then 2.5km back trip along the strand using my legs not my car took me 57min. (with 537cal burnt)  i took care of prior injuries, and stood out of some of the circuit sections, but did not give up walking either way...i was the youngest and by far the most unfit and slowest...but i did not stop...even with major wind resistance on return trip....haha

doing that walk helped me open my eyes to consider setting my milestones...
week 4- to not only knock that 57 min down as low as i can but to go from walk to power walk.
week 8- to continue to lower my time set at week 4 lower still and to go from a solid power walk to throwing in several jogs
week 12 and the end of my 12wbt program...- to jog longer and stronger with less walking more jogging, and to blow my week 8 time out of the water....

and i'm also determined to not stop after the 12wbt program ends, 4 weeks after week 12 i plan to only use walking as a small 30-60 second breather between jogging sections, and continue my time reducing untill i reach the 'MASSIVE' MILESTONE for me of jog-run the whole length of the strand and back ....

my house is still feeling cluttered and unorganised and i'm feeling its reflecting on me and how i carry myself...but i'm looking forward to not only my body getting smaller, my weight improving, but as i hold my head up high my house will then reflect it...as well as my work life and my social and relationship life and more importantly my family,
 i am really wanting to let people in my family know that bad habits are created out of mind over matter in the negative way and it is the easy way out to just let them keep going....loosing weight, loosing size, regaining personal confidence (even if outward confidence is strong, i've learnt from personal experience it's mostly due to a strong lacking of inner confidence which then gets masked by outer confidence---also learnt it doesn't work out in the end)  but also about general happiness! if you think your a happy person now...just wait till you get that feeling i'm slowly learning to love about cooking a meal that looks gross or tasteless to then sit down and realise not only is it a healthy meal but tasty and the right choice!!  or that feeling i'm slowly realising that going for a walk does take time away from either the nothing i was doing at home, or the something i was doing in my life which could have been pushed back....for example, busy morning, working afternoon, chill out after work with a walk along a nice route .... the rest of life can wait.....

LIFE WILL WAIT BELIEVE IT OR NOT....surely 30-40-60 min can't be set aside for a walk ... or even cooking a healthy meal....and preparing healthy snacks to avoid the snacks that are the bain of our existance....speaking out to the family that arn't in a healthy weight range, or who know they should be doing better but choose that they are too busy etc....
whats the better option....early death or a life full of health issues  OR LIVING A LONG AND HEALTHY LIFE, SEEING CHILDREN, NEPHEWS/NIECES, GRANDCHILDREN grow and live healthy lives also....
not only am i learning to make new and healthy habits for myself, but in return, for my immediate family, extended family and for my own future family!!  to ensure that when i have children that not only will they be healthy and active, but that they will have uncles, aunties, grandparents and also just parents that arn't taking years of their lives of their own doing.....

well i had to get that off my chest...and yes i did 'waffle' on but i felt i had to say it...

till then....stay true to being you and 'JUST F-ING DO IT!!!'

Monday, September 20, 2010

Day one done... @12wbt

well a quick overview on day one...

today was the start date for 12wbt kickoff!!!  

lucky me woke up with Gastro...and it threw my whole planned diary out of whack...so going to try to make up during the week or workout on my off day ... see how that works out...

however in total i was very proud to say that i kept my calories to the required amount, (5 cal under if i might add)  and didn't break it by eating junk at work..

due to being sick i didn't eat my breakfast till lunch and my lunch was at 430 and my dinner was at 8...with my quota of snacks allowed between meals to keep me going!
breakfast was great, don't like blueberries and didn't have strawberries but enjoyed the banana yogurt and muesli!
lunch was ricotta, carrot and salad mix and tomato wrap...and yeah it was ok...left for too long the ricotta went a bit soggy.
dinner was GREAT pita bread pizzas with ricotta cheese and spinach...the ricotta and spinach made my teeth kinda sticky and filmy...but yummo!!!

one biggest downfall to this 12wbt thing is the cost!!  our usual shopping of like $50-60 plus $20-40 of takeaway a week, turned into like $200 shopping...but we are keeping our reciepts so that we can keep track week to week over the next 12 weeks how the $$$ are looking, mostly due to the fact that some of the items you don't need to purchase on a weekly basis...etc...gotta get used to the serving allowances and the best way to freeze and thaw out extra portions as we have never done that before...

gotta work out tomorrow though otherwise weigh in on wednesday i'm a little fearfull that based on diet only won't be any changes ... fingers crossed!!

but an overall summery ...  only felt hungry when i was sick before i could eat at lunch time, and felt hungry between 430 and 8...but dinner didn't take long at all to make and that with a snack afterwards has left me very satisfied...

biggest hurdle for me to try to break will be the self discipline to get up and work out instead of sleeping in...and i also have to get to the shop to buy required meats which we need to get from butcher etc....
though i'm not too keen on trying the prawns or salmon i'm committing to trying all meals suggested...and then seeing if i really don't like it or exchange it for something else next time...

well signing off for day one!!

ciao xx

Thursday, September 16, 2010

the begining of the rest of my life!!

hi! *holds hands over your eyes* guess who!!!

alright alright ... it's me again!!

alright laying down the foundation to a fresh start....i've 'fucked up' so much of my past that i'm soooo over it...this is all new, everyday is a new day it's the present....and thats how i've decided i'm going to look at it...like tomorrow is christmas day and when it arrives it's litterallly a 'present' to me that i've got to treat with the respect a new gift deserves....
wow a little philosophical there...but it's so true it isn't even funny....we have to be responsible for ALL our choices, the good bad and ugly!!  no excuses....
so no more excuses for me...nope no sir...

today was exciting in a way for me...spent the morning waiting for my 12wbt information for next week!!!  i got my exercise plan, my nutrition plan and a shopping list to go with it all!!  was exciting to 'diarise' it all and work out exactly when i need to meet my workout commitments as well as work commitments and also me time...and in a way this is the ULTIMATE me time...doing this now while i'm still relatively young means more me time when i'm way older...as in extending my life span by treating my body as something that isn't immortal...life doesn't have a dress rehersal...no matter how many times we wish it did...news flash ppl...we are already acting our parts in this great script called life...*truman show anyone?? *
but needless to say with encouragement from my twitter buddies and some support from my fb friends, and unconditional support from my best friend *well at least i'd hope %)  *  and support from hubby, i'm determined to meet my goal no matter how sick i'm feeling post workout...or how tired i am in the morning...good bye from random sleep-ins...but it will be all a good learning experience as after the 12 weeks if i decide i can't make it through round 4, i will be keeping all any any information i can ... and then on going support from twitter buddies in the know-how...i am determined to meet my goal

i have always gotten the wrong kind of attention...or attention from ppl which end up getting me into trouble...so i don't want that anymore...i want attention where ppl will say to themselves, gee you can see she worked hard to get to where she is!  selfish but true...

small movie review also...got to see 'step up 3D' and my god i loved it!! the 3D effects were amazing, got to speak to the lead male actor on twitter @rickmalambri before watching it...but didn't even realise he was lead male till i googled him...haha opps, but went out and got the soundtrack that same day... extreamly jealous that they can dance...where i look like sooooo awfull when i try to dance that even my husband says that i need to loosen up and relax more cause i look uptight when i try to dance...haha...but in my nikki reccomendations, WATCH step-up 3D...luved it!!!!

well signing out...will talk soon!! peace out!! mwah! xx

Monday, September 13, 2010

Wedding anniversary

well hello...yes it has been a while but i'm back...

done a fair amount since my last blog...
nearly a week ago i got 3 new tattoos in the one sitting.  kinda wasn't the most comfortable thing to get done, and hurt like bad sunburnt and kinda still hurts a little...but finally it's starting to come good...lets just hope i'm able to go swimming by saturday for steves birthday party!

i also went to see the movie Pirana 3D with ashley and my god it was funny...fake blood and guts everywhere and tits and ass galore haha...the boys would have loved it hahaha...

we also completely gutted out our always messy office and put a decent looking desk together...and now the slow and painfull process of working out what goes back in the office and what gets trashed, stored appropriatly or sold off...

sadly for us we in the last week lost the last of our mice...and as little as that may sound, we had grown accustomed to having our little babies around...and even now it's strange to us as it was a habit to glance over to where the cages were or to say good morning or good night to them...feels very very weird but we have decided that over the next 3 months we will worry about ourselves, eating right and working out and ridding ourselves of bad habbits so that come time for 2011 we will be able to smash our financial obligations and cross some things off our need to do or buy list...now that we have our desk set up and in progress it's already feeling like we are making a start...

speaking of which...there will be alot of entries in the next 13 weeks regarding something called 12wbt which is 12 'week body transformation' and it's a program run by correspondance by Michelle Bridges frequently seen on tv's biggest looser...and it's not just another of those work out diet doodies...it's going to be life changing for not just me but through me , my husband and parents and hopefully those that are close to me...
being food change and how i look at fueling my body, concerntrating on not just what is going in but what goes out too...eg working out...and making sure that i work in my workouts and not make excuses, even if i have several overnight shifts in a row...making the changes in my days that all gets worked out in a planner i've now got...like michelle says, those who are organised with it all will get the most out of it and that is my sole focus for my christmas goal...and those that don't believe me...then i will show u r wrong!!

monday i will be explaining in more detail what is involved in the pre course tasks and hopefully a day by day run down of my ups and downs with my christmas goal...

well i'm off now...it's my 2 year wedding anniversary after all...just made a yummy fried rice for dinner and off too watch channel go and spend time with hubby!! xx


Sunday, August 29, 2010

new week and plans for my 2 weeks holidays in a weeks time!

well hello ppls!!

it's a monday and that means it is the start of the new week, off to a good start, not so much...stayed up late, slept in through my alarm and got showered just in time for a maintenance guy to arrive from real estate...been trying to catch up with computer stuffs, and now thought i'll start my blog before lunch and finish it after lunch...mmmm lunch...opps, anyways, last two weeks has been so full of big ups and big lows, that i'm hoping that this week is an average week full of average work and average everything!!  get to pay more bills, get to work another 40 hrs, get to do more normal run of the mill chores around the house, u know the stuff that needs to get done or you live in a dump...but also this week is the planning of my ultimate to do list "things that get done on my holidays" and first thing on that list is no work!!!! woot!!  overdue for a me time and this is it...
my plans are including:

  • RE-VAMP THE 'OFFICE'  including a new office desk, a visit to office works for hopefully not expensive organising items for office
  • AND ACTUALLY FINISH MY HOLIDAYS ON A HIGH!  FEELING ACCOMPLISHED AND READY TO START MY 12 WEEK BODY TRANSFORMATION!! (which has the start date of 20th of sept, and will b posting hopefullly daily blogs which will include in big part my ups and downs of the course!!!
my goal is by christmas, to feel better about myself, to feel better about my appearance, to take pride in who i am regardless of what people think, and to take control of my life as thats the end line...at the end of the day the only thing i can control is me and who i am...and i plan on doing that well!!!