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Monday, October 25, 2010

Ouch...papercuts hurt!

hey guys, i'm back...won't b a very insightfull post today because my brain just isn't working BUT i'm here either way...

as most of you know by now, i'm in a competition to win tickets to the linkin park concert in my capital city and not only that but those tickets also involve meeting the band members...

i can easily say that since febuary 2001 i hav loved linkin park.
their cd's are perminantly in my car and i have all bar one of their albums on my ipod...Chester Bennington (the lead singer) is one of my celebrity crushes and with nearly all their songs i can place as a background music in my head or just a time specific song to my life, my own personal soundtrack if you will...

sure i realise they arn't everyones cup of tea but if you actually read the lyrics behind the songs u can see a deeper side of me i supose,...a side that alot of people don't have the opportunity or privilage (depending on the circumstances) to see...

take the song 'papercut' for example...it's the first song from their first album...released on 24th october 2000  which i didn't end up getting till a boy with a crush on me at school gave me for my 19th birthday...
the lyrics are as follows...:



Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here's not right today
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia's all I got left
I don't know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed
But I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head

It's like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
{And watches everything}
So I know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is here in me, right underneath my skin

It's like I'm paranoid looking over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

I know I've got a face in me
Points out all my mistakes to me
You've got a face on the inside too
Your paranoia's probably worse
I don't know what set me off first but I know what I can't stand
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is
I can't add up to what you can

But everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when they close my eyes
A face watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
(And watches everything)
So you know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too right inside your skin

It's like I'm paranoid looking over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath the skin

It's like I'm paranoid looking over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

The face inside is right beneath your skin
The face inside is right beneath your skin
The face inside is right beneath your skin

The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me
The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me

(the sun) It's like I'm paranoid looking over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
(I feel the light betray me) It's like the face inside is right beneath the skin

(the sun)It's like I'm paranoid looking over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
(I feel the light betray me)It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
(the sun)It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin 
ok now whatever you may be thinking...i'm sure some of this generation that are teenagers now or even those ppl who don't know me might say it's somewhat of an 'emo' or 'alternative' kind of song...but guess what. i still stand by the fact that the term 'emo' is a misconception...
to me this song 'papercut' is pretty much saying well i make mistakes and i'm aware of whats going on but guess what too...so do u...
what ppl need to realise is that i have always had so much going on in this head of mine that yeah i speak without thinking or say completely random things...BUT GUESS WHAT .... THATS JUST WHO I FUCKING AM!!! 
i am different, i am weird, yeah my haircuts do tend   to be weird or boyish, my clothes arn't all designer     label, i may act wacky and random...but i know i can  fall back on like maybe 5 people at most who simply   'get me'  if your not one of those people, it doesn't mean you can't be...it just means that these people didn't judge me to be anyone apart from who i am... so get over it already...
i know i have an addictive personality, i tend to get      over excited over things or really passionate over      things, but if u can't handle the heat, get the hell out of the freaking fire already...
well i've had my say for today...laundry hanging out is now calling me before i go watch tv or read before     work... well good bye ... hope to blog again soon as i've been pretty lazy with letting u into me wonderfull         world of me!  

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Staying true to me, and putting a stop to old behaviours

ok...well what can i say...all the pre 12wbt hype i was stoked...finally going to gain control of bad habits, force myself to workout even with my shift work etc, eat right, keep the end in mind, yadda yadda yadda...............

now i wouldn't say i've 'slacked off' but yes i will take ownership that my part of things have been not up too par...due to headaches or gastro brought on by detoxing, or my emotional eating trying to rear it's ugly head...feeling the exhaustion but great high from workouts, or the 2.5 of them that i've managed to do...2 of which i literally dragged myself away from the comfort of just staying in or going to bed...

i now need to 'just fucking do it' as michelle bridges quotes, and go well...you know that the first two weeks, i still had losses in the weigh-in factor...minimal but losses either way...but each day is a new day...and it's a new week, monday is a fresh start, well each day is a fresh start, so i'm going to do my best on a dailly basis to make the choices that will set up my day in a good way...i can't control other people and their decisions that may or may not make an impact on my daily plan, however this will grow to test my adjusting capabilities.
eg. longer than usual to do weekly stock count last night, so i didn't for-go sleep to work out, i slept properly, and had a healthy lunch...now yes i'm typing this, but afterwards, i'm off to plan my tomorrow's menu and workout is already planned.  then off to put through any laundry then clean kitchen and shower,  in otherwords, do what needs to be done around the house before i have to shower and dress for a work meeting, upon returning home from the meeting, i plan to be getting my gear that i pre-set for workout...and with or without my husband i will be going for my strand walk...going to attempt to beat the time and calories burn set by last fridays effort!

i'm aware very much of people already setting their mini and major milestones for 12wbt and they are along the lines of massive bike rides, major running, marathons, etc....

however as much as i push myself i'm aware that i have not long ago quit smoking...-10 months since quitting on 5th of oct.- and that those things that other people have set for themselves i will achive oneday...however knowing my body, my goals may be petty or nothing at all for someone else to accomplish, but to me will mark a major achievement even with the mini goals...for example...

i learnt on friday last week that doing the 2.5km one way then 2.5km back trip along the strand using my legs not my car took me 57min. (with 537cal burnt)  i took care of prior injuries, and stood out of some of the circuit sections, but did not give up walking either way...i was the youngest and by far the most unfit and slowest...but i did not stop...even with major wind resistance on return trip....haha

doing that walk helped me open my eyes to consider setting my milestones...
week 4- to not only knock that 57 min down as low as i can but to go from walk to power walk.
week 8- to continue to lower my time set at week 4 lower still and to go from a solid power walk to throwing in several jogs
week 12 and the end of my 12wbt program...- to jog longer and stronger with less walking more jogging, and to blow my week 8 time out of the water....

and i'm also determined to not stop after the 12wbt program ends, 4 weeks after week 12 i plan to only use walking as a small 30-60 second breather between jogging sections, and continue my time reducing untill i reach the 'MASSIVE' MILESTONE for me of jog-run the whole length of the strand and back ....

my house is still feeling cluttered and unorganised and i'm feeling its reflecting on me and how i carry myself...but i'm looking forward to not only my body getting smaller, my weight improving, but as i hold my head up high my house will then reflect it...as well as my work life and my social and relationship life and more importantly my family,
 i am really wanting to let people in my family know that bad habits are created out of mind over matter in the negative way and it is the easy way out to just let them keep going....loosing weight, loosing size, regaining personal confidence (even if outward confidence is strong, i've learnt from personal experience it's mostly due to a strong lacking of inner confidence which then gets masked by outer confidence---also learnt it doesn't work out in the end)  but also about general happiness! if you think your a happy person now...just wait till you get that feeling i'm slowly learning to love about cooking a meal that looks gross or tasteless to then sit down and realise not only is it a healthy meal but tasty and the right choice!!  or that feeling i'm slowly realising that going for a walk does take time away from either the nothing i was doing at home, or the something i was doing in my life which could have been pushed back....for example, busy morning, working afternoon, chill out after work with a walk along a nice route .... the rest of life can wait.....

LIFE WILL WAIT BELIEVE IT OR NOT....surely 30-40-60 min can't be set aside for a walk ... or even cooking a healthy meal....and preparing healthy snacks to avoid the snacks that are the bain of our existance....speaking out to the family that arn't in a healthy weight range, or who know they should be doing better but choose that they are too busy etc....
whats the better option....early death or a life full of health issues  OR LIVING A LONG AND HEALTHY LIFE, SEEING CHILDREN, NEPHEWS/NIECES, GRANDCHILDREN grow and live healthy lives also....
not only am i learning to make new and healthy habits for myself, but in return, for my immediate family, extended family and for my own future family!!  to ensure that when i have children that not only will they be healthy and active, but that they will have uncles, aunties, grandparents and also just parents that arn't taking years of their lives of their own doing.....

well i had to get that off my chest...and yes i did 'waffle' on but i felt i had to say it...

till then....stay true to being you and 'JUST F-ING DO IT!!!'

Monday, September 20, 2010

Day one done... @12wbt

well a quick overview on day one...

today was the start date for 12wbt kickoff!!!  

lucky me woke up with Gastro...and it threw my whole planned diary out of whack...so going to try to make up during the week or workout on my off day ... see how that works out...

however in total i was very proud to say that i kept my calories to the required amount, (5 cal under if i might add)  and didn't break it by eating junk at work..

due to being sick i didn't eat my breakfast till lunch and my lunch was at 430 and my dinner was at 8...with my quota of snacks allowed between meals to keep me going!
breakfast was great, don't like blueberries and didn't have strawberries but enjoyed the banana yogurt and muesli!
lunch was ricotta, carrot and salad mix and tomato wrap...and yeah it was ok...left for too long the ricotta went a bit soggy.
dinner was GREAT pita bread pizzas with ricotta cheese and spinach...the ricotta and spinach made my teeth kinda sticky and filmy...but yummo!!!

one biggest downfall to this 12wbt thing is the cost!!  our usual shopping of like $50-60 plus $20-40 of takeaway a week, turned into like $200 shopping...but we are keeping our reciepts so that we can keep track week to week over the next 12 weeks how the $$$ are looking, mostly due to the fact that some of the items you don't need to purchase on a weekly basis...etc...gotta get used to the serving allowances and the best way to freeze and thaw out extra portions as we have never done that before...

gotta work out tomorrow though otherwise weigh in on wednesday i'm a little fearfull that based on diet only won't be any changes ... fingers crossed!!

but an overall summery ...  only felt hungry when i was sick before i could eat at lunch time, and felt hungry between 430 and 8...but dinner didn't take long at all to make and that with a snack afterwards has left me very satisfied...

biggest hurdle for me to try to break will be the self discipline to get up and work out instead of sleeping in...and i also have to get to the shop to buy required meats which we need to get from butcher etc....
though i'm not too keen on trying the prawns or salmon i'm committing to trying all meals suggested...and then seeing if i really don't like it or exchange it for something else next time...

well signing off for day one!!

ciao xx

Thursday, September 16, 2010

the begining of the rest of my life!!

hi! *holds hands over your eyes* guess who!!!

alright alright ... it's me again!!

alright laying down the foundation to a fresh start....i've 'fucked up' so much of my past that i'm soooo over it...this is all new, everyday is a new day it's the present....and thats how i've decided i'm going to look at it...like tomorrow is christmas day and when it arrives it's litterallly a 'present' to me that i've got to treat with the respect a new gift deserves....
wow a little philosophical there...but it's so true it isn't even funny....we have to be responsible for ALL our choices, the good bad and ugly!!  no excuses....
so no more excuses for me...nope no sir...

today was exciting in a way for me...spent the morning waiting for my 12wbt information for next week!!!  i got my exercise plan, my nutrition plan and a shopping list to go with it all!!  was exciting to 'diarise' it all and work out exactly when i need to meet my workout commitments as well as work commitments and also me time...and in a way this is the ULTIMATE me time...doing this now while i'm still relatively young means more me time when i'm way older...as in extending my life span by treating my body as something that isn't immortal...life doesn't have a dress rehersal...no matter how many times we wish it did...news flash ppl...we are already acting our parts in this great script called life...*truman show anyone?? *
but needless to say with encouragement from my twitter buddies and some support from my fb friends, and unconditional support from my best friend *well at least i'd hope %)  *  and support from hubby, i'm determined to meet my goal no matter how sick i'm feeling post workout...or how tired i am in the morning...good bye from random sleep-ins...but it will be all a good learning experience as after the 12 weeks if i decide i can't make it through round 4, i will be keeping all any any information i can ... and then on going support from twitter buddies in the know-how...i am determined to meet my goal

i have always gotten the wrong kind of attention...or attention from ppl which end up getting me into trouble...so i don't want that anymore...i want attention where ppl will say to themselves, gee you can see she worked hard to get to where she is!  selfish but true...

small movie review also...got to see 'step up 3D' and my god i loved it!! the 3D effects were amazing, got to speak to the lead male actor on twitter @rickmalambri before watching it...but didn't even realise he was lead male till i googled him...haha opps, but went out and got the soundtrack that same day... extreamly jealous that they can dance...where i look like sooooo awfull when i try to dance that even my husband says that i need to loosen up and relax more cause i look uptight when i try to dance...haha...but in my nikki reccomendations, WATCH step-up 3D...luved it!!!!

well signing out...will talk soon!! peace out!! mwah! xx

Monday, September 13, 2010

Wedding anniversary

well hello...yes it has been a while but i'm back...

done a fair amount since my last blog...
nearly a week ago i got 3 new tattoos in the one sitting.  kinda wasn't the most comfortable thing to get done, and hurt like bad sunburnt and kinda still hurts a little...but finally it's starting to come good...lets just hope i'm able to go swimming by saturday for steves birthday party!

i also went to see the movie Pirana 3D with ashley and my god it was funny...fake blood and guts everywhere and tits and ass galore haha...the boys would have loved it hahaha...

we also completely gutted out our always messy office and put a decent looking desk together...and now the slow and painfull process of working out what goes back in the office and what gets trashed, stored appropriatly or sold off...

sadly for us we in the last week lost the last of our mice...and as little as that may sound, we had grown accustomed to having our little babies around...and even now it's strange to us as it was a habit to glance over to where the cages were or to say good morning or good night to them...feels very very weird but we have decided that over the next 3 months we will worry about ourselves, eating right and working out and ridding ourselves of bad habbits so that come time for 2011 we will be able to smash our financial obligations and cross some things off our need to do or buy list...now that we have our desk set up and in progress it's already feeling like we are making a start...

speaking of which...there will be alot of entries in the next 13 weeks regarding something called 12wbt which is 12 'week body transformation' and it's a program run by correspondance by Michelle Bridges frequently seen on tv's biggest looser...and it's not just another of those work out diet doodies...it's going to be life changing for not just me but through me , my husband and parents and hopefully those that are close to me...
being food change and how i look at fueling my body, concerntrating on not just what is going in but what goes out too...eg working out...and making sure that i work in my workouts and not make excuses, even if i have several overnight shifts in a row...making the changes in my days that all gets worked out in a planner i've now got...like michelle says, those who are organised with it all will get the most out of it and that is my sole focus for my christmas goal...and those that don't believe me...then i will show u r wrong!!

monday i will be explaining in more detail what is involved in the pre course tasks and hopefully a day by day run down of my ups and downs with my christmas goal...

well i'm off now...it's my 2 year wedding anniversary after all...just made a yummy fried rice for dinner and off too watch channel go and spend time with hubby!! xx

ciao!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

new week and plans for my 2 weeks holidays in a weeks time!

well hello ppls!!

it's a monday and that means it is the start of the new week, off to a good start, not so much...stayed up late, slept in through my alarm and got showered just in time for a maintenance guy to arrive from real estate...been trying to catch up with computer stuffs, and now thought i'll start my blog before lunch and finish it after lunch...mmmm lunch...opps, anyways, last two weeks has been so full of big ups and big lows, that i'm hoping that this week is an average week full of average work and average everything!!  get to pay more bills, get to work another 40 hrs, get to do more normal run of the mill chores around the house, u know the stuff that needs to get done or you live in a dump...but also this week is the planning of my ultimate to do list "things that get done on my holidays" and first thing on that list is no work!!!! woot!!  overdue for a me time and this is it...
my plans are including:

  • GUT THE HOUSE OF ALL CLUTTER
  • RE-VAMP THE 'OFFICE'  including a new office desk, a visit to office works for hopefully not expensive organising items for office
  • DE CLUTTER KITCHEN
  • GET TO GYM ON A MUCH MORE FREQUENT BASIS
  • GET MY TATTOO'S DONE 
  • BUY NEW CAMERA
  • AND ACTUALLY FINISH MY HOLIDAYS ON A HIGH!  FEELING ACCOMPLISHED AND READY TO START MY 12 WEEK BODY TRANSFORMATION!! (which has the start date of 20th of sept, and will b posting hopefullly daily blogs which will include in big part my ups and downs of the course!!!
my goal is by christmas, to feel better about myself, to feel better about my appearance, to take pride in who i am regardless of what people think, and to take control of my life as thats the end line...at the end of the day the only thing i can control is me and who i am...and i plan on doing that well!!!   


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I had a DREAM!!!

howdy peeps...

well only a few people know i'm shredding old personal info and re-filing new or relevent personal info and in going through some of my old files i found a photocopy of something from school...something that means more to a particular generation and race of people than to many but it struck a chord with me and i thought i'd type it out on here....many of you may recognise it but you may have only heard the 'key sound bite' words...but take aside a few of the race specific terms and information it should be a good guide to a great way to live well...sure i know it relates to a particular campaign etc...but read it through...it never fails to stir up something inside of me ... in a kind of way to which in the core of every human being there is the difference between right and wrong...etc...and in my opinion this was a man who no matter what the cost (coincidently was his untimely death) he was prepared to stand for what he truely believed in...to speak so passionatly on a subject he valued so dearly!  in that particular day and age ... he was different.!!  he was a visionary!! but most of all he was a passionate person and he STOOD FOR WHAT HE BELIEVED IN! no matter the cost!!

Martin Luther King: 'i have a dream'


(the following speech was delivered by the african-american civil rights leader Martin Luther King in 1963. The civil rights movement was a campaign for equal rights for african -americans.  As part of this camgaign there was a massive demonstration of 210 000 people in washing DC which King addressed.)

Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.  We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline.  We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence.  Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.  The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realise that their destiny is tied up with our destiny and their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.  We cannot walk alone.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall march ahead.  We cannot turn back.  There are those who  are asking the devotees of civil rights, 'when will you be satisfied?' we can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality.  We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities.  We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one.  We can never be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New Yourk believes he has nothing for which to vote.  No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations.  Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells.  some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you so battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality.  You have been the veterans of creative suffering.  Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.
Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to the South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed.  Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.

I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment i still ahve a dream.  It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

i have a dream that oneday this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: 'We hold these truthes to be self-evident; that all men are created equal.'  I have a dream what one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.
I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day the state of Alabama, whose govenor's lips are presently dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and walk together as sisters and brothers.
I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plains, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope.  This is the faith with which i return to the South.

With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope.  With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood.  With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning

'My country, 'tis of thee,
Sweet land of liberty
Of thee i sing:
Land where my fathers died,
Land of the pilgrims' pride,
From every mountainside
Let freedom ring'.

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true.  so let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire.  Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York.  let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous peaks of California!  But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone  Mountain of Georgia.  Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi.  From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, 'Free at last! free at last! Thank God almighty, we are free at last!'

Monday, August 23, 2010

the start of my blogging life!

well hi...its me...nikki, for some reason i thought i'd start a blog...i've made a few personal 'ah ha' moments in last 8 months and alot of it is a combination of my work and personal life that brought these on...

in 2 weeks time at this point in time i will be getting 3 new tattoos done, and each tattoo i have ever had has either brought on questions-why why why...or judgement - if i get more tattoos i'll look like a biker chick...without the people even bothering to ask if they will be bold or light or even asking what they will  be...u know what...wait and see if u don't want to ask and then decide if u like it or not...or biker chick or not...and if u don't like it...ur entitled to your opinion but if u can't say anything nice don't say anything at all...or if u must say something keep it small and simple if u don't like it...ur feedback is appreciated but not always needed

like always work has it's ups and downs but due to our 'no blogging' policy it's 'off limits' though i can say that there have been many a times that i've craved focus pads and boxing gloves if only i had someone to help me with the focus pads at the time...but i'm also queen of being a sponge...absorbing all that i see and hear and using that information wisely...plus the fact that i am deciding to channel that inner frustrations into turning me into a better person from the inside out...

i've learnt that many people have an inner beauty as well as an outer beauty ...BUT that is not always the case...quite often that outer beauty is more apparent than the inner ugliness or the not so 'model material' outer appearence...like me and many other average lookers or less than average lookers that are out there...their inner beauty is much more appealing

(disclamer -  when i refer to my bf it IS NOT my 'boyfriend' i am happily married and my BF is a reference to 'best friend' BF-M  is my male best friend and BF-F is my female best friend...i'd rather use that than their names out of respect for them)

i have known bf-m for 3 or 4 years but been in better contact for last 8 months or so and he lives overseas and i have known bf-f since mid last year and she lives interstate now
these are the people i have come to rely quite alot now...my social group in the city i live in is VERY small...less than a dozen people and probably most of which i don't often see as much as i'd like...but apart from 1 friend who visits on a weekly basis for drinks with hubby i now know that i can at least be appreciated for who i am by at least 4 or 5 people in life all of which mean the world to me...their support for me being me is 90% of the time the only thing that keeps me going in life...even when i feel so down that loneliness is  all i feel ... guarenteed one of the 4-5 people will say or do something that will stop the tears or make me smile...something as small as a kiss from hubby or talking about sparkles the wonder vamp with BF-m or twilight theme'd tattoo's with BF-F or a txt conversation with teacher friend or a silly weekend night with hubby and my friend. or even the unexpected 'hope ur ok' kind of msg from random fb friend just mean the world to me...especially the 'shoutout' msg from 1 usa friend and his friend...no idea why they did it or how it came to be but to wake up feeling like hell with the flu to see that sent via twitter just literally made my day much more live-able...

while growing up i was the keeper of many a personal diary...one i would often write in daily to log my thoughs on my latest crush or my first boyfriend or how my parents just didn't understand teenage me kinda junk...with the exception for the 'blogging policy' work has, and this being a 'blog' ... work may be frequently brought up but moreso in the way of good day bad day kind of deal...but the details will be not for hear...but this is the new technological very overdue way for me to get my thoughts and feelings and just me being random me onto 'paper' kind of thing...just with the keyboard and screen kind of affect...

i will not appologise if i say things that may offend as this is my uncensored (exception of work) me...but i do appreciate any comments throughout my blogs and will answer any questions public or private depending on circumstances...but welcome to ME!!