Ouch...papercuts hurt!

hey guys, i'm back...won't b a very insightfull post today because my brain just isn't working BUT i'm here either way...

as most of you know by now, i'm in a competition to win tickets to the linkin park concert in my capital city and not only that but those tickets also involve meeting the band members...

i can easily say that since febuary 2001 i hav loved linkin park.
their cd's are perminantly in my car and i have all bar one of their albums on my ipod...Chester Bennington (the lead singer) is one of my celebrity crushes and with nearly all their songs i can place as a background music in my head or just a time specific song to my life, my own personal soundtrack if you will...

sure i realise they arn't everyones cup of tea but if you actually read the lyrics behind the songs u can see a deeper side of me i supose,...a side that alot of people don't have the opportunity or privilage (depending on the circumstances) to see...

take the song 'papercut' for example...it's the first song from their first album...released on 24th october 2000  which i didn't end up getting till a boy with a crush on me at school gave me for my 19th birthday...
the lyrics are as follows...:

Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here's not right today
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia's all I got left
I don't know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed
But I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head

It's like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
{And watches everything}
So I know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is here in me, right underneath my skin

It's like I'm paranoid looking over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

I know I've got a face in me
Points out all my mistakes to me
You've got a face on the inside too
Your paranoia's probably worse
I don't know what set me off first but I know what I can't stand
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is
I can't add up to what you can

But everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when they close my eyes
A face watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
(And watches everything)
So you know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too right inside your skin

It's like I'm paranoid looking over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath the skin

It's like I'm paranoid looking over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

The face inside is right beneath your skin
The face inside is right beneath your skin
The face inside is right beneath your skin

The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me
The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me

(the sun) It's like I'm paranoid looking over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
(I feel the light betray me) It's like the face inside is right beneath the skin

(the sun)It's like I'm paranoid looking over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
(I feel the light betray me)It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
(the sun)It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin 

ok now whatever you may be thinking...i'm sure some of this generation that are teenagers now or even those ppl who don't know me might say it's somewhat of an 'emo' or 'alternative' kind of song...but guess what. i still stand by the fact that the term 'emo' is a misconception...

to me this song 'papercut' is pretty much saying well i make mistakes and i'm aware of whats going on but guess what too...so do u...

what ppl need to realise is that i have always had so much going on in this head of mine that yeah i speak without thinking or say completely random things...BUT GUESS WHAT .... THATS JUST WHO I FUCKING AM!!! 

i am different, i am weird, yeah my haircuts do tend   to be weird or boyish, my clothes arn't all designer     label, i may act wacky and random...but i know i can  fall back on like maybe 5 people at most who simply   'get me'  if your not one of those people, it doesn't mean you can't be...it just means that these people didn't judge me to be anyone apart from who i am... so get over it already...

i know i have an addictive personality, i tend to get      over excited over things or really passionate over      things, but if u can't handle the heat, get the hell out of the freaking fire already...

well i've had my say for today...laundry hanging out is now calling me before i go watch tv or read before     work... well good bye ... hope to blog again soon as i've been pretty lazy with letting u into me wonderfull         world of me!  

Staying true to me, and putting a stop to old behaviours

ok...well what can i say...all the pre 12wbt hype i was stoked...finally going to gain control of bad habits, force myself to workout even with my shift work etc, eat right, keep the end in mind, yadda yadda yadda...............

now i wouldn't say i've 'slacked off' but yes i will take ownership that my part of things have been not up too par...due to headaches or gastro brought on by detoxing, or my emotional eating trying to rear it's ugly head...feeling the exhaustion but great high from workouts, or the 2.5 of them that i've managed to do...2 of which i literally dragged myself away from the comfort of just staying in or going to bed...

i now need to 'just fucking do it' as michelle bridges quotes, and go well...you know that the first two weeks, i still had losses in the weigh-in factor...minimal but losses either way...but each day is a new day...and it's a new week, monday is a fresh start, well each day is a fresh start, so i'm going to do my best on a dailly basis to make the choices that will set up my day in a good way...i can't control other people and their decisions that may or may not make an impact on my daily plan, however this will grow to test my adjusting capabilities.
eg. longer than usual to do weekly stock count last night, so i didn't for-go sleep to work out, i slept properly, and had a healthy lunch...now yes i'm typing this, but afterwards, i'm off to plan my tomorrow's menu and workout is already planned.  then off to put through any laundry then clean kitchen and shower,  in otherwords, do what needs to be done around the house before i have to shower and dress for a work meeting, upon returning home from the meeting, i plan to be getting my gear that i pre-set for workout...and with or without my husband i will be going for my strand walk...going to attempt to beat the time and calories burn set by last fridays effort!

i'm aware very much of people already setting their mini and major milestones for 12wbt and they are along the lines of massive bike rides, major running, marathons, etc....

however as much as i push myself i'm aware that i have not long ago quit smoking...-10 months since quitting on 5th of oct.- and that those things that other people have set for themselves i will achive oneday...however knowing my body, my goals may be petty or nothing at all for someone else to accomplish, but to me will mark a major achievement even with the mini goals...for example...

i learnt on friday last week that doing the 2.5km one way then 2.5km back trip along the strand using my legs not my car took me 57min. (with 537cal burnt)  i took care of prior injuries, and stood out of some of the circuit sections, but did not give up walking either way...i was the youngest and by far the most unfit and slowest...but i did not stop...even with major wind resistance on return trip....haha

doing that walk helped me open my eyes to consider setting my milestones...
week 4- to not only knock that 57 min down as low as i can but to go from walk to power walk.
week 8- to continue to lower my time set at week 4 lower still and to go from a solid power walk to throwing in several jogs
week 12 and the end of my 12wbt program...- to jog longer and stronger with less walking more jogging, and to blow my week 8 time out of the water....

and i'm also determined to not stop after the 12wbt program ends, 4 weeks after week 12 i plan to only use walking as a small 30-60 second breather between jogging sections, and continue my time reducing untill i reach the 'MASSIVE' MILESTONE for me of jog-run the whole length of the strand and back ....

my house is still feeling cluttered and unorganised and i'm feeling its reflecting on me and how i carry myself...but i'm looking forward to not only my body getting smaller, my weight improving, but as i hold my head up high my house will then reflect it...as well as my work life and my social and relationship life and more importantly my family,
 i am really wanting to let people in my family know that bad habits are created out of mind over matter in the negative way and it is the easy way out to just let them keep going....loosing weight, loosing size, regaining personal confidence (even if outward confidence is strong, i've learnt from personal experience it's mostly due to a strong lacking of inner confidence which then gets masked by outer confidence---also learnt it doesn't work out in the end)  but also about general happiness! if you think your a happy person now...just wait till you get that feeling i'm slowly learning to love about cooking a meal that looks gross or tasteless to then sit down and realise not only is it a healthy meal but tasty and the right choice!!  or that feeling i'm slowly realising that going for a walk does take time away from either the nothing i was doing at home, or the something i was doing in my life which could have been pushed back....for example, busy morning, working afternoon, chill out after work with a walk along a nice route .... the rest of life can wait.....

LIFE WILL WAIT BELIEVE IT OR NOT....surely 30-40-60 min can't be set aside for a walk ... or even cooking a healthy meal....and preparing healthy snacks to avoid the snacks that are the bain of our existance....speaking out to the family that arn't in a healthy weight range, or who know they should be doing better but choose that they are too busy etc....
whats the better option....early death or a life full of health issues  OR LIVING A LONG AND HEALTHY LIFE, SEEING CHILDREN, NEPHEWS/NIECES, GRANDCHILDREN grow and live healthy lives also....
not only am i learning to make new and healthy habits for myself, but in return, for my immediate family, extended family and for my own future family!!  to ensure that when i have children that not only will they be healthy and active, but that they will have uncles, aunties, grandparents and also just parents that arn't taking years of their lives of their own doing.....

well i had to get that off my chest...and yes i did 'waffle' on but i felt i had to say it...

till then....stay true to being you and 'JUST F-ING DO IT!!!'