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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

trying to learn and trying to let go

well yup it's another blog post and yup it's been a long time between posts.

had a very messed up period of life over last 3 years and not looking for sympathy but it flat out sucked no questions asked...i still hold alot of guilt/remorse/tension and have also developed acute anxiety, mild depression and learning to cope with it mostly on my own with a few things getting help from close friends

my biggest revolution i have been helped to discover is the one that people have come up to me and have said that i'm not the same person i was before.  well guess what....No i'm not...so much has changed in me in the last 5 years let alone 3 years that yes i have changed who i am...and those changes, well if u find them to be a bad thing then you were probably one of those people who put me in the box u wanted me to be in...the box of this is how i want nikki to be and if she doesn't conform to the nikki i want to be friends with then i'm going to put her in her place and pop her back in the box she lives in...

well guess what. no more boxes for me.  u think i'm being direct, blunt and not taking shit well guess what...ur right...i'm sick of being told that i have to do things that just because u want me to or cause they have been done in the past that way...i might not have been brave enough to stand my ground then but i'm fucking going to do it now...
even with family or close friends, if you got used to being able to 'take advantage' of certain things simply cause it's family or aw ur my mate, then u know what i'm still a person, and i still have boundaries.  and at the end of the day its the behaviour of those who treated me like that, which has moved me to act like this...just cause ur family doesn't mean u can manipulate or guilt trip into asking, telling, borrowing, or stealing (taking without permission) things and do so with no other alternatives for if i say no..cause u know what...if i'm busy or can't change my plans, then i'm going to say no.  and if you try to guilt trip me then i will say no even louder!  don't just expect that because i'm family or a mate that i will do things just cause...

sure in an aspect that yes i will be more than happy to help out as i love my family and close friends with all my heart! but like with anything the more you use something the more worn out it becomes and i'm worn to the bone!  

but u know what!  txt me before an unannounced visit to the house. as i might be busy or even just woken up and in my shirt and knickers or something and having someone just turned up and waltz on up the driveway is nice once in a while but when it's always happening it gets annoying!  

or if you borrow something without asking, return it when u have finished using it...even if it means starting drinking later so u are sober to return it!  or better yet!! DONT FUCKING TAKE STUFF THAT ISN'T YOURS WITHOUT ASKING!  if we arn't available then stick around to ask, or come back later, or call both numbers or even just a txt!  we would be more than happy to help you out but a simple asking first is better and more appropriate than just assuming that we will just do it!  cause often we will do it anyways but a heads up is appreciated!

well thus ending my rand and vent for the day! but guess what! keep pushing my buttons then it will get louder and louder untill u either push me to boiling point or u loose the friendship...and at the end of the day loosing the friendship really won't matter to me by then due to the fact that u push me that far then u obviously don't value the friendship on your part so no tears lost by me from it...sorry but it's just the truth!

till later!

nik

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